A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

P.J. O’Rourke in the L.A. Times:

Well, here you are at your college graduation. And I know what you’re thinking: “Gimme the sheepskin and get me outta here!” But not so fast. First you have to listen to a commencement speech.

Don’t moan. I’m not going to “pass the wisdom of one generation down to the next.” I’m a member of the 1960s generation. We didn’t have any wisdom.

We were the moron generation. We were the generation that believed we could stop the Vietnam War by growing our hair long and dressing like circus clowns. We believed drugs would change everything—which they did, for John Belushi. We believed in free love. Yes, the love was free, but we paid a high price for the sex.

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10:06:18 AM Fletch: do we assume Pac’s GI tract is reg’lar? Getting enuf dietery fiber?
10:06:22 AM Owen: this is for mature, healthy, nonsmoking male pac-adult
10:06:30 AM Fletch: that’s the only way the word ‘mature’ ever gets into this conversation

Warning: Language, as if you couldn’t guess.

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A Photoshop contest from Cracked featuring unfortunate choices for movie baduns.

Warning: Language and some images NSFW.

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GorillaSushi does valuable interpretive (i.e., fabricates from whole cloth) work analyzing the thoughts of the spectators in this photo.

Also: It isn’t always just ballplayers flying into the stands.

Warning: Language at both links.

Full size picture here.

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On a recent visit to Cuba, Vladimir Putin found that most Cubans’ shoes have holes in them, and so he asked Fidel, “Oye chico, how is this possible after 40 years of ‘progress’?”

Annoyed, Fidel answers, “And what about Russia? Have you done any better?”

Putin says, “Ombe, when you want I’ll invite you to Russia and if you find a single person with ripped-up shoes you have permission to kill him. No problems.”

They got on Putin’s plane and went to Russia. As soon as Fidel got off the plane, the first thing he saw was someone whose shoes were all ripped up, and so he grabbed his pistol and BOOM! killed him.

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one? ” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I’m running out of places to put It!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Keeping the lines of communication open.

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England’s loss to Croatia in the Euro 2008 qualifying rounds got off to an amusing start, at least.

Ananova:

Tony Henry was trying to sing the national anthem in Croatian, but reportedly got the words wrong.

Fans say the mispronounciation helped the players relax before the game at Wembley where Croatia beat England 3-2.

The national anthem is written in old style Croatian, and there can be slightly different interpretations in English because it is a very lyrical language.

The line in which Henry slipped up should have been “mila kuda si planina” (You know my dear how we love your mountains).

Which is kind of suggestive all by itself.

But what he actually sang was “mila kura si planina” which means “Dear Penis, you are a Mountain” or “My Dear, my penis is a mountain”.

Croat players like Manchester City’s Vedran Corluka and Arsenal target Luka Modric started looking at each other and grinning when they realised what he was singing.

Croat fan websites have been calling for Henry to be given a medal of honour for helping the players relax, they also want him made an official team mascot for the tournament.

I think they should make the change official. It’s much more intimidating than “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

*

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I’m thinking that this could be an invaluable resource in the year ahead: zombietime’s Gallery of Unflattering Hillary Clinton photos.

*

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Just what the hell is wrong with the old-fashioned, romantic tradition of packing a pair of tin snips for your big date? Cuts through that underwire like butter.

we make money not art:

Bra Trainer is a fictional teaching aid designed by Noam Toran to instruct adolescent boys to overcome the intricacies of opening the brassiere. When initiated the machine mechanically demonstrates the basic principles of clasp disengagement. Following a short pause the machine then re-secures the bra ready for the next demonstration.

The piece is inspired from accounts of repressive post-war institutionalised sex education in the UK in which teachers were not allowed to touch any of the props (prophylactics, physical models of reproductive organs) unless using gloves or a stick.

That’s still good advice while handling many teachers.

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Hawkin’s Bazaar:

A curious clockwork, muscle bound beach hunk. Arms pump and head turns with a realistic push-up action. A suitable joke for girls that like guys to be in shape! 12cm

Features

Beach hunk, 12cm
Does press ups
Clockwork

In related news, Barbie™ is reportedly “vewy, vewy nervous.”

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and other rejected titles for kids’ books:

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly

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. . . gets in touch with his inner Cookie Monster:

-

SUPREME COURT OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK
COUNTY OF NEW YORK
————————————————————X
BRIAN SACK AKA DAD
PLAINTIFF

VS.

SESAME PLACE
DEFENDANT————————————————————X

Plaintiff, complaining as he does about many things, alleges as follows:

1. That plaintiff is a resident of New York.

2. That defendant, Sesame Place amusement park, is located somewhere in Pennsylvania, conveniently located only 90 minutes from Manhattan assuming you use your fancy GPS device properly.

3. That prior to incident, plaintiff had a long-term childhood relationship with Sesame Street, fond memories of Sesame Street, and considered Sesame Street a friend and by extension assumed Sesame Place was filled with friendly characters and honest Muppetry.

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This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. That’s right. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae will, as they leap desperately toward your face in an effort to escape the putrescent horror of the only home they have ever known. Even the cheese itself is ashamed; when prodded, it weeps an odorous liquid called lagrima, Sardinian for “tears.”

Cracked takes a (thankfully, brief) look at some of the world’s scariest food.

Warning: Language.

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A guy walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi just as it’s passing by. He hops into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabby: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank each and every single time.”

Passenger: “Yeah, but there are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabby: “Not over Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was just one amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabby: “Oh, there’s more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right.”

Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabby: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. Never.”

Passenger. “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.”

Cabby: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, his shoes highly polished—like mirrors, they were. Frank was the Perfect Man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabby: “Well, I never actually met Frank.”

Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”

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Scrappleface:

Columbia University promised a full investigation into charges of police brutality after todays reported Tasering of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who had come to the Ivy League school to give the annual Adolph Hitler Memorial Peace and Tolerance Lecture.

Like a similar incident at the University of Florida last week, the stun-gun assault by police followed a lengthy anti-American rant by the alleged victim, and was immediately condemned by civil rights advocates.

According to eyewitnesses, Mr. Ahmadinejad was dragged from the room shouting: “Do not make to Tase myself, slang brother man.”

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Wired:

Jhannet Sejas, 19, pleaded guilty last week in Arlington County General District Court to one misdemeanor count of filming a motion picture in a movie house owned by Regal Cinemas. The statute, like the 37 others nationwide sponsored by the motion picture industry, deems filmgoers guilty for filming a “portion” or a “portion thereof” of a movie.

I have no firm position on the legality or lack of same in videotaping movies in theatres. I do feel strongly, though, that naming a child “Jhannet” should result in a felony charge against her parents.

It reminds me of a woman I knew who was named Julia, one of the prettiest, I think, female names. Unfortunately her numerologist had convinced her that she needed to add a “U” and an “H” to it to make it “numerologically correct.” So, where do you add “uh” to “Julia”?

Julia-UH, that’s where.

Needless to say, the marriage was off.

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Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty:

“At this point—with 95 percent of the American public hopelessly lost in his video address—bin Laden the anticapitalist unveils the only solution that could possibly alienate the remaining 5 percent: religion. Your mistake, he tells Americans, is that “you have separated church and state.” The way out of this problem is conversion to Islam.

Here, bin Laden swings for the stands of transpartisan weirdness and connects, combining in a single sentence religious fundamentalism, anticapitalism, and a nontax flat tax: “Islam will deprive [the war profiteers and owners of large corporations] of the chance to swindle the people out of their money through arms deals and such, for Islam has no taxes and only limited alms that stand at 2.5 percent.”

Surprisingly, President Bush is contemplating bin Laden’s offer:

“If I convert to Islam and order all of our troops to do the same,” said Mr. Bush, “we can stay in Iraq indefinitely, drop the restrictive rules of engagement, save a lot of money by using cheap, unguided bombs, clear neighborhoods flat out, blow up mosques with impunity and still go to heaven—not to mention that Id get more favorable coverage from the U.S. news media.”

The president added that he might convert to Islam just to “find out what its like to be a man who wears a dress and a bonnet and dyes his hair like a girl.”

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Ok, ok, but I had no choice. That (pun? joke?) has been ricocheting around in my head the last couple of weeks, with me thinking that I’d never have a chance to use it.

Then this.

Call it kismet, call it fate. Who are we to question the Workings of the Universe?

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An old southern Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible,
A silver dollar,
A bottle of whisky,
A Playboy magazine

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be! And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

I thought this was a photoshop, but it wasn’t until I spotted the Worth1000 watermark that I was sure. I went to the site but couldn’t find the specific competition.

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I hate running across these things, because I find them hilarious. I vow I’ll only read one or two, and then it’s back to more productive work. Fat chance:

I asked him if it had been exposed to water, and the answer was, “What does that matter? I have your waterproof model!”

I was sure I had struck the heart of the issue. It turned out that he was showing it off to his work buddies by throwing the “waterproof” phone into a bucket of water while he was joking around on the phone with the foreman.

I informed him that the phone was not actually waterproof, and that he would have to purchase a new phone due to the fact that our insurance policy did not cover damage from intentional misuse.

He explained that he heard a rumor that if you dry the phone out and replace the battery, they will sometimes continue working. This is sometimes true, so I asked him if the phone had been thoroughly dried.

The answer was yes—he had put the phone into his clothes dryer with a load of laundry, which we then confirmed as the reason the face plate had broken off. He wanted an insurance replacement for his face plate, and I again informed him that our insurance policy did not cover damage from intentional misuse.

OK, one more:

Me: “So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?”
Customer: “DIP switch?”
Me: “Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside.”
Customer: “Eeeerrr…there are no switches there.”
Me: “Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord.”
Customer: “No. There are no switches. Not any more!”
Me: (puzzled) “Huh? Not any more? What do you mean?”
Customer: “Well, you know, my collegue told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them.”
Me: “REMOVED THEM??”
Customer: “Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel.”

The carnage continues here.

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If Hugh Grant arrives, do not attempt to compete with him—you are no match for his British accent and awkward, fumbling charm.

Should Tom Green appear, leave the area immediately. You want no part in anything that follows for any price.

Warning: Language.

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A very funny steampunk video can be found here and prepare yourself to laugh out loud. Via Boing Boing

Sensing a market opportunity, Net Nanny, makers of Net Nanny filtering software, announced this week it will introduce NetNarrow, an English-only product that automatically filters out content that appears to be international. Specifically, the software looks for world datelines and keywords indicative of irrelevant foreign stories, including “Shiite,” “post-Apartheid,” and “Bob Geldof.”

Survey-taker Craig Barker of Brooklyn, New York, said he will be among the first to get NetNarrow. “On the Web, there are so many ways to get news from so many different places, I could really get some fresh insights into what’s going on in other countries if I wanted to,” he said.. “But I don’t want to.”

“You’d think these Internet people would know that,” Barker added. “I mean, that’s why the Internet is called America Online, right? It’s supposed to be about America.”

You have to wonder about the reading comprehension of people who read an article on a (now-defunct) site conspicuously named SatireWire.com and jump to conclusions. Hence, this explanation added to the piece:

Editor’s Note: It seems that after reading this entirely fictional story, some investors/customers of Net Nanny believed the company actually was going to produce NetNarrow software. As a result, Net Nanny asked SatireWire to please assure people that this is not the case. No, really.

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Via Diffusio.

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