A friend who has been, like Andrew, trying to break into the mainstream publishing business for sometime came up with some interesting insights the other day regarding the process of publishing today. Basically, a would be author needs to have a sponsor to get an agent, and the agent then pushes their work into the publishing houses. No agent; no access is about it. The problem for anyone starting out in this field is to find that all important agent. And therein, Guido has discovered, lies the rub!

Perusing a copy of Writers and Artists Yearbook is hardly rivetting reading, but, in the interests of fairness, Guido did so. It proved enlightening, because there are a large number of agents listed, the vast majority of whom openly declare that they are not interested in taking on any new authors. Those that don’t state this have other means of weeding out any would be author that approaches them – “Oh yes, delighted to look at your MS, please send the first three chapters and a synopsis” is the usual response – and when the would be author does, a week later it is returned, unread with a rejection slip. Now Guido is a skeptical man, experience has taught him that there are always three sides to a story, so he followed up on some of the information he had been given and discovered that the situation is far from open or straight forward.

Evidently there are around six thousand manuscripts submitted to publishers agents each year. Of these perhaps forty actually make it into print. That figure alone seemed extraordinarily low, so Guido double checked, and found that that was a generous figure for unsolicited fiction – it is probably much, much lower. So how does a “new” author actually get noticed?

Well, apparently it comes back to the good old system of patronage. If you have a patron the doors swing open, if you don’t, it’s the tradesman’s entrance if you are lucky. In fact even the Tradesman’s Entrance is now guarded it seems since the publishing equivalent of the TE is to go through the “self publishing” route – and now you discover that the mainstream booksellers don’t like to list or display anything “self promoted” by the author. Well, I suppose they wouldn’t want to do that, after all, it breaks up a nice cosy cartel if you let just anybody sell their work doesn’t it.

Curious, Guido next looked at how things like “Best Seller” lists, “Booker Prize” and other “promotional” opportunities were managed and discovered that here too there are a number of important filters which keep the unpatronised author at bay. Only a publisher can send in entries for inclusion to any of these – and again the self publishing houses are excluded, officially! If proof of this is needed look no further than the Edge Hill University “Booker” Prize for Short Story writers, the rules for which declare “NO self published authors, NO collections from individuals – only from recognised publishing houses. Look at the regular contributers of short stories in any of the handful of magazines which still publish short stories and you discover that nearly all of them are either graduates of one or other of the universities that run English Lit courses and have lecturers who sit on editorial boards. No wonder newcomers from outside that field stand no chance at all.

Having been stung a couple of times buying books (usually at an airport for a long haul flight on which Guido can never sleep!) that are “Booker Prize winner!” or “Best seller!” and finding after wading through the first few chapters that even the Emergency Procedure for Landing on water card in the seat pocket is more rivetting reading, (Guido has left numerous such purchases on aircraft, it simply not being worth the effort to carry them off again!) Guido has wondered what made the author worthy of the prize or the inclusion in a “Best Seller” list. Now he thinks he knows, its all a giant marketing con. If you emblazon something with the appropriate label, punters like Guido will be gulled into buying it.

Well, this little excursion into the murky world of publishing has convinced Guido of one important thing. Some of the authors in print ARE very good. The vast majority however, are not and sadly that fact that they have patrons who got them into the field through whatever doors and by whatever means, they will continue to take your money and laugh while other far better authors are excluded from being published. Its a shame really, but then, that is the system and until it can be broken up and exposed for the sham it is, it is likely to continue as it is.

One is forced to wonder just how anyone is able to break this cycle. Closed shops were always supposed to be a Left wing Trade Union thing, well, now we know, it operates at its most pernicious apparently in the rarified environs of the drawing rooms and clubs frequented by literary agents and publishers – and their fortunate few clients!

Remember when the Conservative Party had a competent Chairman like Ken Baker? During quite a disastrous set of local government results he convinced the media that if the Conservatives could win seats in Wandsworth and Westminster then they were the glorious victors of the night.

How times have changed!

Now that the “Wets” have finally taken back the party they always assumed they had a god given right to run, in good old fashioned patrician tradition the challenge that the Conservatives seem to be setting themselves is to pick up seats in inner cities and in the “North”.

From an electoral perspective, this is of course utter tosh.

To win the next General Election, the Conservatives certainly need to win in respectable urban seats in the West Midlands and the South East, where they are up against Labour. More than this, they need to take back the middle class heartlands from the Liberal Democrats in places like Winchester and rural seats in the South West.

There are also places north of Oxford which are nevertheless natural Conservative territory. To lump the whole of the North as a single entity is as ridiculous as treating the whole of the South East as if it is all an extension of Notting Hill. (Hint to Dave: It isn’t.)

The interesting thing some Conservative canvassers are picking up is that David Cameron is really popular with Lib Dems in leafy suburban areas where the Conservatives are already strong. The Conservatives are set to do well at the expense of the Liberal Democrats.

In more working class areas where they are fighting Labour, David Cameron is just not trusted. Voters are disillusioned and find him too slick for their liking. Especially in inner cities and in southern towns which have experienced large influxes of migrant labour from EU accession countries such as Poland, the working class Tory vote is under pressure from the BNP. The Tories’ best hope is that Labour support collapses more than their own.

This might well happen. While there is no great enthusiasm for the Conservaties, Labour is detested. The Conservatives could well pull off some healthy gains in the areas they really do need to win. These areas do not include Manchester, Sheffield and Glasgow.

All this begs the question of why the Conservatives are setting themselves a ridiculous challenge. On an election day when they should look like winners, why are their “thinkers” picking out the few contest like Manchester, where they are still likely to be the losers? When did being seen to be “right-on” become more important than winning?

This photograph by Jason Reed of Reuters appeared in Saturday’s National Post, and it made me laugh out loud. (Unfortunately this picture is of somewhat lower-resolution, and I was unable to find a better version.) It shows US Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald (centre) of Scooter Libby and now Conrad Black fame, and what I presume are four members of his office, striding (briskly, one imagines) to a meeting. I think that the intent was to show the hard-charging, incorruptible Officer of the Court and his team on Official Business, and woe betide any pedestrians that get in the way.

What it reminded me of, though, were the late-night ads you see for law firms, where the lawyers (backlit and in soft-focus) snap their heads around in unison to stare into the camera, interspersed with slow-mo shots of them marching manfully (even the women!) through the corridors of power to do battle on your behalf.

Folks, this barely works for me when it’s the Pussycat Dolls, and even then it’s vaguely risible.

But on the off chance that you’re pitching this to the networks, I think it could use some fine-tuning.

So let me put on my Casting Director’s hat, which has my name on it and everything.

First, ditch the two frumps on the left. As anyone can tell you, female Department of Justice employees are invariably stunningly-attractive, impeccably-attired, and expert kick-boxers. Those two look like judges at a cat show.

Ditto with the guy immediately to the right of Fitzgerald, the one who looks like David Caruso on a three-day bender. We can hire the real thing if we have to. And what’s with the angry-looking man at the far right? Is he trying to use a TV remote?

I could understand that—if I saw this crew coming down the street at me, I’d be flipping channels, too.

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