Aug 31
The Big Book Of Bad Baby Names
My first born has a name that no one else has, he is a first, Abeus ( Abe E us ) it is a strong name, and as for getting along with other children his age, there is not a doubt in my mind he has friends. He gets along with other children, and is not picked on because of his name.This is one of my favorites. It has everything, nice and compact. It’s got a bad name, which sounds like a combination or fragment of a normal one, spelled strangely, and emphasized poorly.
Plus, it has a mother who insists the child is unique, and then insists in a rather desperate tone that he isn’t a total social outcast, spurned by humanity and destined to live in a sewer in the bowels of Gotham City because of the badly spelled, poorly emphasized bad, bad name. Really, she acts like having friends is something you believe in, as an act of faith, as opposed to something you witness with your own eyes.
All this, and there’s a good bet the kid’s no more than 10, so she’s presumably watching him with her own eyes a good deal. Is she rationalizing the time the kids locked Abeus in the composting toilet as a friendly hazing incident?
(Reader Tom points out, and I can’t believe I missed it, that Abeus is an anagram of “abuse.”)
I spent way too much time today reading this site. It’s by a woman who harvests awful names that people are thinking of naming their kids off pregnancy-related bulletin boards and then makes snarky fun of them. I love it. *
- It might be pointed out that someone named “gnotalex” has little room to laugh at other people’s names.
In my defence, I would like to point out that at least it is the traditional spelling and not some new-fangled abomination like “gnotylex” or “knnnotalexx.”
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And the parents of little Abeus’s friend will softly call him “Corpus”. Or perhaps “Corpus, tee hee hee”.