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A Rant From The Den….....
MommaBear does not usually ramble on at any great length; in this case, she makes a needed exception.
The Case of the Bomber-Child has raised the issue of “Parental Absence” to new heights [depths], as shown in this link, courtesy of Kathy at On The Third Hand. Read it and weep for the lost children of far too many years suffering the same loss of real parental love. MommaBear wrote the following several years ago, but it has not been published in this manner:
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Being a parent is damned hard work—at least it ought to be.
It seems as though some parents are not willing to recognize that or perform the task very well. Establishing boundaries for a child is not cruel; it is, instead, the kindest act of all, for it demonstrates a love that says, “I won’t permit you to be injured or damaged; I will protect you from that which you are not yet ready to handle.” At different ages children have different levels of comprehension and competency.
Failure to recognize this critical concept is the central element of the current decline in parental performance. Leaving children to flounder about, blunder into danger, and otherwise drift aimlessly is both shameful and hazardous to all those young people who want and need to be able to look to responsible adults for help.
The ‘hands off’ attitude of standing back and watching a child run amok to “explore” or “find him/herself” is not raising a child; it is a shirking of one’s responsibility, dereliction of duty, and a most perverse form of child abandonment. How many tears would be prevented, how much destruction would be forestalled, what kind of chaos would never happen if children were brought up under loving guidance and discipline? Contrary to current belief and practice, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using the words “NO”, “STOP”, and “DON’T”, for there is nothing in them that is injurious to a child’s development.
In fact, they are some of the most important words children will ever hear. If a child never hears these words or has them enforced, how in the world is he/she ever going to enfold them into his/her own self-governance? Of course, after using one or more of these “forbidden” words, the parent owes the child an explanation of why, geared to the child’s level of understanding. This is a most important part of helping the child learn to apply those same “no’s”, “stop’s”, and “don’t’s” on his or her own initiative.
A parent’s job is to work him/herself out of a job, but this can only be accomplished when one gives the child the tools that are needed to take over the running of his/her life. This is done by instruction, example, and, yes, firm and consistent discipline. From all these gifts the child learns how to live as a decent, self-directed person with the rules of life well in hand.
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